Muppets Broadway Revue
by ShanTV Broadway
Summary: The Muppets pick up where they left off after the fiascos in Europe, putting on a special show. Meanwhile a human intern is hired, who only dreams of being on stage herself.
1. Chapter 1

_(Drum roll. Muppet Show sign. Kermit appears in the big "O")_

KERMIT: It's the Muppet Show, with a tribute to all things Broadway! Yaaay!

_(Regular opening theme- cut to Statler and Waldorf)_

STATLER: First television and movies, and now Broadway?

WALDORF: Will the madness ever end?!

_(Laugh)_

_(Opening theme ends- Gonzo trumpets opening chords to "New York New York")_

_…_

_(Front curtain. Kermit enters to applause)_

KERMIT: Thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! Boy, do we have a show for you tonight, because we have put together a lineup of some swell musical numbers from some of the greatest productions to grace the bright lights of Broadway!

GONZO: _(offstage) _Kermit!

_(Gonzo runs onstage)_

GONZO: Kermit! Please, please let me do my number! The girls and I have been practicing for weeks!

KERMIT: Gonzo for the last time, the Muppet's days in drag are over! Now go help everyone get ready!

_(Gonzo, dejected, exits. Kermit shakes his head and turns back to the audience)_

KERMIT: Sorry 'bout that, folks. Anyway, let's get things started tonight with a look on the bright side in _Spamalot!_

_(Kermit exits. Curtain rises.)_

_..._

_(A dark forest set, with Uncle Deadly, dressed as King Arthur, sitting on a tree stump, hunched over with his chin in his hand)_

_(Fozzie's voice is heard, echoing around the stage)  
_

FOZZIE:

"Some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad.

Other things just make you swear and curse.

When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble give a whistle!

And this'll help things turn out for the best...and…"

_(Fozzie enters, dressed as Patsy, with the Mutations dressed in knight's armor behind him dancing and joining in on the whistling)_

FOZZIE:

"...Always look on the bright side of life. (whistle)

Always look on the right side of life. (whistle)

For life is quite absurd and death's the final word, you must always face the curtain with a bow!

Forget about your sin- give the audience a grin! Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow!"

_(Dance break. Mutations tap dance, very loud clanging from the armor they wear. Uncle Deadly looks up at Fozzie, seemingly cheered up.)_

UNCLE DEADLY:

"Always look on the bright side of death."

_(Fozzie looks nervously toward the audience. Deadly stands up and links arms with him.)  
_

"Just before you draw your terminal breath.

Life's a…"

_(Fozzie interjects with censored phrase.)  
_

FOZZIE: "Stubborn brick!"

DEADLY:

"...when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true!"

_(Fozzie and Deadly sing together.)_

BOTH:

"You'll see it's all a show, keep 'em laughing as you go!"

FOZZIE: "Just remember that the last laugh is on you!"

_(Mutations join in, adding a chorus line for good measure.)_

ALL:

"And...always look on the bright side of life!

Always look on the right side of life!

Always look on the bright...side of life!

Side of life!

Side of LIFE!"

_(Applause.)  
_

_(Cut to balcony-Statler and Waldorf)_

WALDORF: You know I do know what's on the bright side.

STATLER: What's that?

WALDORF: The song's over!

_(Both laugh)_

_..._

_(Backstage. Kermit watches the Mutations and Deadly come offstage.)_

KERMIT: Okay, great opening number, guys! Let's get ready for…

SCOOTER: Hey, chief! I got someone here who wants to meet you!

_(Scooter enters with a young human woman behind him, wide eyed and excited.)_

SCOOTER: So remember when I mentioned that friend of mine who was interested in helping me out backstage?

KERMIT: Scooter, what gofer needs help with their job?

SCOOTER: Well, anyway, this is Shana. She's here to help out in anyway possible!

_(Shana shakes Kermit's hand)_

SHANA: Hi! I'm so excited, I can't believe I'm working with the Muppets!

KERMIT: Well, thank you. I'll see what I can have you start with, okay?

_(Kermit exits. Shana looks around absentmindedly.)_

SHANA: _(To herself) _Maybe, I could sing in the show...it's my dream.

_(Scooter interrupts her daydream.)_

SCOOTER: Hey, Shana, time to set up for the next number!

_(Scooter exits to the stage with the rats. Shana sighs and follows.)  
_

_(Annie Sue Pig enters calling for Kermit.)_

ANNIE SUE: Mr. Frog! Kermit! Oh, Kermit, please come quick!

_(Kermit rushes in.)_

KERMIT: What's wrong, Annie?

ANNIE SUE: It's just terrible! Miss Piggy doesn't want to do the final number with me! After all these years she still thinks I'm out to steal the spotlight from her!

_(She cries. Kermit consoles her.)_

KERMIT: Don't worry, we'll sort this out. Where's Piggy now?

_(Miss Piggy's voice is heard out onstage.)_

PIGGY: Can we get this show on the road?!

KERMIT: Oh good grief.

_(Shana re-enters as Annie Sue and Kermit keep talking.)_

KERMIT: I guess we'll need to find a new singer for the finale.

_(They exit. Shana brightens up at what she's overheard.)_


	2. Chapter 2

_(Curtain rises. Long open prairie set, long stalks of wheat blowing in SFX breeze. Miss Piggy sits atop a small hill, dressed in a calico prairie dress, her hair in a long braid.)_

(Opening chords to Porgy and Bess' "Summertime". Piggy takes a deep breath, and…)

PIGGY (straining and off-key):

"SummerTIIIIIME...and the living is easy,  
Fish a'jumping, and the cotton is high.

_(A long vaudeville hook is seen moving toward her.)_

"Oooooh...your Daddy's RIIICH!

And your Ma is…"

AAAAHH!

_(The hook pulls Piggy offstage. The curtains fall.)_

_(Backstage. Kermit is at the end of the hook. Piggy is pulled in, flustered.)_

PIGGY: Kermit, what is the meaning of…?

KERMIT: Piggy, we've talked about this! Gershwin is not in your repertoire!

_(Sam Eagle enters, annoyed as usual.)_

SAM: Such a classic piece should have no means to be destroyed as it just was. You, madam, should be ashamed.

PIGGY: What?! Why you…!

_(Kermit quickly intervenes.)_

KERMIT: Okay, okay! I don't want feathers flying back here!  
Sam, I've warned you several times: NEVER insult anybody on this show.

_(Sam exits, sighing. Scooter enters, with Shana.)_

SCOOTER: Hey Boss!

KERMIT: Not now, Scooter. Wait after the next act is over.

SCOOTER: There is no next act; nothing is onstage!

KERMIT: What!?

_(Shana hesitates but then speaks up.)_

SHANA: Excuse me, Kermit, but I was thinking…

KERMIT (realizing): Of course! Rowlf! Someone get Rowlf, he has a perfect song!

_(Kermit runs off. Scooter shrugs.)_

SCOOTER: I guess I should go get ready for _my _number.

SHANA: Wait, you perform in the show too?

SCOOTER: Sure do. Kermit never seems to mind, plus he's always said I'm a more talented singer than a gofer!

_(Scooter exits. Shana becomes excited.)_

SHANA: Oh man, I have to find a way to let them hear me sing! Then I could definitely be in the show!

_(Exits.)_

_(Onstage. Full moon sky with bright stars background. Rowlf sits at his piano, playing the opening chords to "Memory" from CATS.)_

(He sings and plays.)

ROWLF:

"Daylight, see the dew on the sunflower  
And the rose that is fading, roses wither away.

Like the sunflower, I yearn to turn my face to the dawn  
I am waiting for the day.

Memory, turn your face to the moonlight

Let your memory leave you, open up, enter in.

If you find there the meaning of what happiness is,  
then a new life will begin…

(_Suddenly, as he begins the next verse, Miss Piggy enters, dressed as Grizabella. She starts singing the verse herself.)_

MISS PIGGY:

"Memory, all alone in the moonlight!  
I can smile at the old days…"

_(Rowlf growls at her costume, and suddenly leaps up and chases her, barking.)_

MISS PIGGY: Aaaah! Hey, what's wrong with you?! I'm not a real…

_(Rowlf chases her offstage.)_

_~_

_(Backstage. Piggy collapses at the table, exhausted from running and the heat of her costume.)  
_

_(Rowlf approaches her.)_

ROWLF: Sorry. Instincts.

_(Piggy incensed, yells for the frog.)_

PIGGY: KERMIT!

_(Kermit enters. When he sees her costume, he groans.)_

KERMIT: You just had to, huh?

PIGGY: Well how else am I going to get to do my own number in the show?

KERMIT: Why don't you just do the duet? It's the big finale!

PIGGY: I am a solo act and you know it, Frog.

_(Kermit starts to protest. The Pig won't hear it; she heads back out to the stage, her green Romeo following.)_

(Shana enters.)

SHANA: Kermit? Kermit I want to ask…

_(She spots the clipboard on the table and reads it. She gasps and smiles.)_

SHANA: That's it! My favorite show! I have to sing in that number!

_(She runs upstairs to a dressing room and goes inside.)  
_


	3. Chapter 3

_(Curtain rises. Loft set, RENT. Opening chords to "Take Me or Leave Me".)_

_(Piggy enters dressed as Maureen; leather pants, black tube top, her hair in a messy bun._  
_Kermit follows, still frustrated with her.)_

KERMIT: Piggy, can we try to be adult about this?

PIGGY: No! Kermit you just don't get it!

"Every single day I walk down the street,

I hear people say 'Baby!' It's so sweet!

Ever since puberty, everybody stares at me.

Boys, girls, I can't help it! Baby…"

_(She reaches for him but pulls back and jumps onto a table.)_

"So be kind and don't change your mind,

just remember that I'm your baby!"

_(Piggy falls to her knees, holding her hands out to Kermit.)_

"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be!  
And if you give a Damn…"

_(She realizes what she just said, but shrugs it off.)  
_

"Take me baby, or leave me!"

_(Kermit scrunches his face, annoyed and conflicted. Piggy tries climbing down from the table, but falls with a thud. She quickly gets up.)_

PIGGY: "Take me baby or leave me!"

_(She struts downstage.)_

"A tiger in a cage can never see the sun,  
this diva needs her stage, baby. Let's have fun!

_(She faces Kermit, pointing to him.)_

You are the one I choose, folks would kill to fill your shoes!

You love the limelight too, baby.

_(Kermit sighs and reaches for her hand, but she pulls back.)_

So be mine and don't waste my time

crying- 'Oh Honeybear, are you still my baby?'"

_(Kermit interjects, skipping the next chorus and verse.)  
_

KERMIT: "It won't work!

I look before I leap… _(he leaps directly up to her.)_

I love margins and discipline, I make lists in my sleep, baby!  
What's my sin?

Never quit, I follow through. I hate mess… _(He takes her hands.)_

...but I love you. What to do with my impromptu baby?

So be wise, 'cause this frog satisfies!  
You've got a prize so don't compromise, you're one lucky baby!"

_(Piggy joins in as he skips to the last chorus. Kermit spins her into his arms.)_

BOTH: "Take me for what I am!"

KERMIT: "Who I was meant to…

PIGGY: "Who I was meant to be!"

BOTH: "And if you give a…?

KERMIT: "...lamb? _( Seems like a proper substitute.)_

Take me baby or leave…"

PIGGY: "Take me baby! Take me or la-la-leave me!"

_(They hold each other close.)_

BOTH: "Take me baby….or leave me!"

PIGGY: _(as if asking) _Guess I'm leaving?

KERMIT: Not at all!

_(Song ends. Applause.)  
_

…

_(Backstage. Kermit and Piggy exit the stage. Walter is standing waiting in his tuxedo.)_

WALTER: Oh, oh Kermit! Is it time for my number?

KERMIT: Sure is, Walter. Knock 'em dead!

_(Walter giggles and runs onstage. Piggy looks over at Kermit.)  
_

PIGGY: Kermie, couldn't we take an eensy weensy moment alone, just the two of us?

KERMIT: Uh...makeup! Lights, ready for the Producers number? Scooter? Where's that friend of yours?! I just thought of something she could do right this second!

_(He runs off. Piggy groans, angry and annoyed.)_

_..._

_(Curtain rises. Walter is alone onstage, whistling a lonely tune. He stops and sings.)_

WALTER: "I spent my life accounting with figures and such, unhappy.

To what is my life amounting? It figures, not much, unhappy.

I have a secret desire hiding deep in my soul, it sets my heart afire

to see me in this role…"

_(The music hits a strong vibrant chord as Walter twirls around, suddenly wearing a tuxedo. He struts downstage as he sings:)_

"I wanna be a producer with a hit show on Broadway,  
I wanna be a producer, Lunch at Sardi's every day!

I wanna be a producer, sport a top hat and a cane…"

_(He catches a cane and top hat flying in from offstage right. He puts on the hat.)_

"...I wanna be a producer, and drive those chorus girls insane!"

_(A line of Whatnot chorus girls appears behind him on an illuminated platform. They dance and sing with him.)_

CHORUS: "He wants to be a producer…"

WALTER: Sell it, girls!

CHORUS: "...of a great big Broadway smash!  
He wants to be a producer, every pocket stuffed with cash!"

WALTER: "I wanna be… CHORUS: "He wants to be…

I wanna be… He wants to be…

ALL: "The greatest, grandest and most fabulous producer in the world!"

WALTER: "I wanna be a producer 'cause it's everything I'm not!

There is a lot more to me than there is to me, stop the world!

I wanna get on!

I wanna be a producer…"

CHORUS: "He wants to be a producer…"

ALL: "Look out Broadway 'cause here I come!"

_(Applause. Walter takes a bow. The chorus girls bow, then they all bow together.)  
_


	4. Chapter 4

_(Balcony. Statler turns to Waldorf.)_

STATLER: You know this show's kinda bringing back those ol' memories.

WALDORF: Yeah, back when Broadway meant something!

_(They laugh.)_

STATLER: Yeah well, might as well raise a glass to the better days…

_(They laugh again; both suddenly have mugs of beer. "To Life" from Fiddler on the Roof starts to play.)_

BOTH:

"To life, to life, L'chaim

L'chaim, l'chaim to life!

WALDORF:

"Life has a way of confusing us,"

STATLER:

"Blessing and bruising us!"

BOTH:

"Drink, l'chaim, to life!

God would like us to be joyful even when our hearts lie panting on the floor…"

STATLER:

"How much more can be joyful when there's really something to be joyful for?"

WALDORF: You tell me!

_(Both laugh. They sing)_

BOTH:

"To life, to life, l'chaim!

L'chaim, l'chaim to life!

And if our good fortune never comes, here's to whatever comes…

Drink…L'chaim…to liiiiifffe!"

TO LIFE! _(They swing the beer mugs, and the beer comes flying out. They laugh)_

_(Applause.)_

_..._

_(Backstage. Whatnots in 80's rock-star type clothes on are all talking together.) _

_(Shana appears at the stairs, dressed in 80's garb; think Madonna with the big bow in her hair and nothing but leather. She sees the Whatnots and is eager to join them.)_

_(She descends the stairs and approaches the Whatnots.)_

SHANA: What's up, "rock and rollers"?!

_(She gives her best metal horns. Whatnots all just stare at her.)  
_

SHANA: What? Do I have something in my…?

WHATNOT #1: _(interrupting) _Aren't you the gofer's girl?

SHANA: His assistant, actually. But, hey, isn't the song gonna be great?

WHATNOT #1: _(like a snob) _Who said _you _were doing the number?

_(Shana is struck hard by her tone. Her face is obviously hurt.)_

SHANA: Well, I just assumed if Scooter gets to do stuff in the show, why not me?

WHATNOT #2: Look sweetheart, we already got enough pests who worm their way into the shows every night. The last thing we want is another one!

_(Another harsh blow as the Whatnots all laugh. Shana is crushed and tries to fight away tears. She runs back up the stairs and slams the door of the dressing room.)_

_(As they finish their laugh, Kermit enters from the wings.)_

KERMIT: Oh good, _Rock of Ages_ is all set. You'll be on after the _Oklahoma _number!

_(Whatnots all retaliate with murmurs of "Got it!" "Right, sir!" &amp; "Okay!" They exit.)_

_(Scooter runs in from the wings.)_

SCOOTER: Uh, excuse me, chief!

KERMIT: What's going on, Scooter? Shouldn't you be observing the number right now?

SCOOTER: That's just it: we don't have a number right now!

_(Kermit panics.) _KERMIT: What?! We need a song out on stage!

_(Gonzo enters, dressed as Hedwig from Hedwig and the Angry Inch)_

GONZO: Leave it to me! Come on girls! _(He runs onstage, chickens flocking behind him dressed in punk rock costumes.)_

KERMIT: What?! No! NO! _(He is about to run after him, but Scooter holds him back.)_

SCOOTER: Woah, uh, boss I hate to say this but you should let Gonzo go on.

KERMIT: What? How can you say that? Haven't you heard me…?

SCOOTER: Yes I have. We may be pushing a limit here, but _Hedwig _was one of the most popular shows when it was on Broadway. And if that song from _RENT _wasn't going over boundaries, I don't know what is!

_(Kermit stops struggling against Scooter and sighs.)_

KERMIT: Fine. Standby with the curtain.

_(He goes out on stage.)_

KERMIT: Okay folks. Time for a little trip down memory lane for us Muppets, but in a whole new modern rock and roll light! So ladies and gentlemen…whether you like it or not…Hedwig!

_(Applause. Curtain rises on an old junked out car, surrounded by a chicken rock band, with guitars, drums, the whole nine yards. Intro to the song "Angry Inch".)_

_(Gonzo is standing dead center on the hood of the car. He takes a flying leap off and onto the stage.)_

GONZO: Yeah!

"My sex change operation got botched! My guardian angel fell asleep on the watch,

Now all I got is a Barbie doll crotch! I got an angry inch!"

_(He flails his wig with a head bang.)_

"Six inches forward, five inches back! I got a, I got an angry inch!

I'm from the land where you still here the cries," CHICKENS: "Oooo-ooo-oooooh!"

GONZO: "I had had to get out had to sever all ties..." CHICKENS: "Oooo-ooo-oooooh!"

GONZO: "I changed my name and assumed a disguise! I got an angry inch!"

_(He really cuts loose, and starts dancing all over the stage, kicking things and causing sudden explosions.)  
_

GONZO:

"Six inches forward, five inches back! I got a, I got an angry inch!

Six inches forward, five inches back! I got a, I got an angry inch!

Six inches forward, five inches back! The train is coming and I'm tied to the track!" CHICKENS: "Oooo-ooo-ooooh!"

_(Gonzo climbs to the top of an unstable metal structure behind the car.)_

GONZO:

"I try to get up but I can't get no slack! I got an angry inch, angry inch!"

CHICKENS: "Oooooooh!"

_(With a loud yell, Gonzo jumps from the structure and lands back on the hood of the car, but loses his footing, slipping off. Another random explosion.) _

_(Applause as the chickens all crowd around to where Gonzo has landed. He lifts his head slightly with pain and the weight of the wig.)_

GONZO: Rock and roll...! _(He faints.)_


	5. Chapter 5

_(Fade in from black.)_

_(Anything Muppets are dressed in western prairie garb; a barn backdrop is behind them, as well as a fancy vintage surrey._

_The Lubbock Lou Jughuggers band sits on an old rickety stage, playing the opening to "Surrey with the Fringe on the Top" from Oklahoma!)  
_

_(Slim Wilson enters with Lou on his arm. He wears a cowboy hat with a cowhide jacket, and she wears a white high collar blouse and full length red prairie skirt.)_

SLIM:

"Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry

When I take you out in the surrey,

When I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on the top!

Watch that fringe and see how it flutters,

When I drive them high steppin' strutters.

Nosey folks'll peek through their shutters and their eyes will pop!"

_(Anything Muppets crowd around the surrey, pointing out features as they sing)_

__CHORUS:

"The wheels are yeller, the upholstery's brown,

The dashboard's genuine leather

With isinglass curtains you can roll right down

In case there's a change in the weather!

SLIM:

"Two bright side lights winkin' and blinkin'

Ain't no finer rig I'm a thinkin'!

You can keep your rig if you're thinkin' I'd keer to swap…"

ALL:

"Fer that shiny little surrey with the fringe on the top!"

_(Slim helps Lou climb up and into the surrey. She looks up at it in wonder.)  
_

LOU:

"Would you say the fringe was made of silk?"

SLIM:

"Wouldn't have no other kind but silk!"

LOU:

"Has it really got a team of snow white horses?"

_(On cue, a duo of white horses trot in and are hitched up to the surrey)_

SLIM _(shrugging)_:

"One's like snow, the other's more like milk. 

_(Anything Muppets block the view of the horses and surrey with their choreography.)_

CHORUS:

"All the world'll fly in a hurry,

When he takes her out in the surrey

When he takes her out in the surrey with the fringe on the top!

When they hit that road hell-for-leather,"

_(A group of cats, dogs, frogs and birds come out of the barn dancing)  
_

"Cats and dogs will dance in the heather,

Birds and frogs will sing all together and the toads will hop!

The sun is swimming on the rim of a hill

The moon is taking a header,

And just when we're thinking all the earth is still…" 

_(A little brown bird with sleepy eyes pops up from a grassy knoll and sings)_

BIRD:

"A lark'll wake up in the meader!"

_(A loud hush comes from behind the chorus and the back away to reveal Lou sleeping against Slim's shoulder in the surrey. The tempo slows)_

__SLIM:

"Hush, you bird, my baby's a'sleepin

Maybe got a dream worth a'keepin'."

_(The horses snort and shakes out their manes.)_

"Woah, you team and just keep a creepin'

At a slow clip clop!"

_(Slim gently snaps the reins and the horses pull the surrey away, the chorus of Anything characters looking on after it.)_

_(With the tempo back up to pace, they finish the song.)  
_

CHORUS:

"Don't you hurry little surrey with the fringe on the top!"

_(Applause.) _

_(The sound of the horses whinnying, and they suddenly gallop back onstage, causing the chorus to scatter screaming. Slim runs on holding a lasso, with Lou close behind him.)_

…

_(Backstage. Kermit frantically ushers cast members to the dressing room stairs and runs back to the intercom.)_

KERMIT: Hold! Hold! Next number's on hold! We gotta clean up this stampede, set up the Swedish Chef's kitchen in front of the curtain! 

_(Floyd enters with the rest of the Electric Mayhem behind him.)_

FLOYD: Hey Kermit, we all set for our song?

KERMIT: Not now, Floyd. First we need to switch the sets, but in case you didn't notice- **WE HAVE HORSES TRASHING THE STAGE!**

DR. TEETH: Woah, easy there my little green compadre. You happen to be in luck; Animal here is like the Cesar Milan of the broncos.

KERMIT: Animal? First bunny rabbits, now horses too?

_(Scooter appears next to Kermit.)_

SCOOTER: It's either him or five hundred bucks for a professional.

KERMIT: _(to the band) _Fine. This better be a good idea… 

_(Floyd tugs on Animal's chain.) _

FLOYD: Animal…round 'em up!

_(He unhooks him from the chain. Animal looks off right to the stage, and with a big yell runs towards the chaos.)_

_(Onstage in front of the curtain, the Swedish Chef stands behind his counter, waving utensils. The orchestra plays his theme mixed together with opening to The Sound of Music's "My Favorite Things". He flings the utensils out of his hands.)_

SWEDISH CHEF: _(mock Swedish) _…dee apple strudel schnitzel weethee noodles! 

_(As he continues, the Chef gathers apples and dry pasta and tosses them into a huge bowl.)  
_

S.C.: _(mock Swedish) _…dee apple for dee strudel… _(mock Swedish)_ …schnitzel weethee nooooodle… 

_(He continues, adding a large schnitzel sausage and a big ball of dough. Putting his hands out of view into the bowl, he sings a variation of the lyric "These are a few of my favorite things!")_

_(Cut to Balcony)_

WALDORF: At least he got the ingredients right this time…

STATLER: Really? Doesn't he have some cousin from Austria to prove him wrong?

_(They laugh.)_


	6. Chapter 6

_(Shana sits on the staircase, watching as the Rock of Ages Whatnots and others head out onstage with the Electric Mayhem.)_

_(She sighs hopelessly and pulls out the bow headband from her hair, flinging it to the ground.)_

SHANA: Who was I kidding? I'm just a nobody here; it was stupid to think I could even try.

_(Onstage, the band plays the opening to the Rock of Ages arrangement of "Ev'ry Rose Has its Thorn". Whatnots and various archived characters are in 80's costume and scattered among the set.)_

_(A Louise Gold song character starts to sing…)_

LG:

"We both lie silent and still, in the dead of the night. Although we both lie close together, we're miles apart in sight."

_(We return backstage, and see Shana start to sing softly.)_

SHANA:

"Was it something I said or something I did? Did my words not come out right?

Though I tried not to hurt you, though I tried…"

_(Onstage, Zondra from Muppets Tonight has Pepe and Sal Minella come in on the chorus with her.)_

ZONDRA: "But I guess that's why they say…"

With PEPE and SAL:

"Ev'ry rose has its thorn, just like ev'ry night has its dawn.

Just like ev'ry cowboy sings a sad, sad song…

_(At the same time, Shana also sings.)_

Ev'ry rose has its thorn."

_(Janice and Floyd riff on the bass and guitar, before Floyd starts the next verse.)_

FLOYD:

"I listen to her favorite song playing on the radio.

Hear the DJ say 'love's a game of easy come and easy go'."

_(Scooter enters with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker.)_

SCOOTER:

"But I wonder does she know: has it ever felt like this?"

DR. HONEYDEW _(with Beaker doing his "meep")_:

"And I know if you'd be here right now, I could've let you know somehow…"

_(Split screen between Shana and Floyd as they sing the chorus.)_

SHANA/FLOYD:

"Ev'ry rose has its thorn, just like ev'ry night has its dawn.

Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song, ev'ry rose has its thorn."

FLOYD:

Yeah, it does.

_(Dr. Teeth looks up from the keyboard and sings.)_

DR. TEETH:

"Though it's been a while now, I can still feel so much pain…"

_(Lips comes onstage with a group of Whatnot girls and finishes.)_

LIPS:

"Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals, but the scar…that scar remains."

_(Musical interlude. The stage has a somber atmosphere as we cut between the number and Shana sitting alone backstage.)_

_(Floyd starts to sing again as more Muppets enter.)_

FLOYD:

"I now I could've saved the band that night if I'd known what to sing.

Instead of making music we both made our separate ways."

_(Rizzo and Yolanda appear sitting near the top of the band's display.)_

RIZZO:

"And now I hear you found somebody new, and that I never meant that much to you…"

_(In unison, onstage and off.)_

YOLANDA/SHANA:

"To hear that tears me up inside…"

_(Rizzo joins back in.)_

"And to see you cuts me like a knife! I guess…"

_(All together the Muppets sing the final chorus, with Shana still singing along alone on the stairs.)_

ALL:

"Ev'ry rose has its thorn,

Just like ev'ry night has its dawn.

Just like ev'ry cowboy sings a sad, sad song, ev'ry rose has its thorn!"

_(As the song finishes, Shana looks out onstage longingly, then looks down at her feet.)_

SHANA:

"Ev'ry rose…has its thorn."

_(We pan to see Kermit standing near the top of the staircase, watching Shana. He nods in realization as we hear the faint applause of the audience.)_

KERMIT: Hey there, Shana.

_(She looks up, startled then embarrassed when she sees who it was who was watching her.)_

SHANA: Oh, Mr. the Frog. I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to…

KERMIT: I know. But, can we talk for a second. I need a favor.


	7. Chapter 7

_(Scooter appears in his crew headset and holding his clipboard.)_

SCOOTER: Okay, final number! Setting up the stage for the final number!

_(Annie Sue comes down the stairs dressed in a sparkly blue Glinda dress, and Miss Piggy follows her.)_

ANNIE SUE: Oh, isn't it wonderful that Kermit found a new partner for me?

PIGGY: Hmph, but she probably can't sing it better than I could.

_(She tosses her hair back.) _This could've been my solo.

_(Kermit enters.)_

KERMIT: Okay, looks like we're all set. Annie Sue, you ready?

ANNIE SUE: Oh, absolutely! _(She runs out onstage.)_

…

_(Front of curtain. Kermit comes in to a fanfare.)_

KERMIT: And now, ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a real treat! Tonight's finale features the very first live performance from a newly discovered talent right here in the Muppet Theatre.

From one of Broadway's most loved shows, here's Annie Sue Pig and our next big star Shana with _"Defying Gravity"_!

_(Applause as he exits and the curtains open to a dark stage, surrounded by giant cog pieces.)_

_(Shana stands off center with Annie Sue, wearing a long black gown an a witch's hat with her skin painted green.)_

_(Shana begins to sing as she crosses downstage.)_

SHANA:

"Something has changed within me,

Something is not the same.

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep.

It's time to trust me instincts, close my eyes…"

_(She looks out into the audience and reaches out.)  
_

"…and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity, I think I'll try defying gravity.

And you can't pull me down!"

_(As she lowers her hand with her last line, Annie Sue comes up beside her.)_

ANNIE SUE:

"Can't I make you understand?

You're having delusions of grandeur…"

SHANA:

"I'm through excepting limits 'cause someone says they're so.

Some things I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know!"

_(She crosses up stage left, where a broom leans on the set piece, and reaches for it.)_

"Too long I've been afraid of losing love, I guess I've lost.

Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy defying gravity, kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity,

And you can't pull me down!"

_(Shana holds out the broom to Annie Sue.)_

Quick! Get on! 

ANNIE SUE: What?

SHANA: Come with me. Think of what we could do, together.

_(They look out into the audience in wonder as she sings.)_

"Unlimited, together we're unlimited.

Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been, Glinda.

Dreams the way we planned 'em…"

ANNIE SUE:

"If we work in tandem…"

BOTH:

"There's no fight we cannot win!

Just you and I defying gravity,

With you and I defying gravity…"

SHANA:

"They'll never bring us down!"

Well, are you coming?

_(Annie Sue backs away, shaking her head no. She pulls out a long black cape and drapes it over Shana's shoulders.)_

ANNIE SUE:

"I hope you're happy, now that you're choosing this."

SHANA:

You too. "I hope it brings you bliss…"

BOTH:

"I really hope you get it and you don't live to regret it.

I hope you're happy in the end…"

_(They take hands and slowly slip away from each other as Shana backs away further upstage.)_

I hope you're happy, my friend!"

_(Suddenly Sweetums and a group of Frackles storm the stage dressed as Emerald City guards.)_

SWEETUMS: There she is! Don't let her get away!

_(The Frackles jump on Annie Sue, starting to pull her offstage.)  
_

ANNIE SUE: Leave me alone, let go of me!

_(Shana's voice rings out from the darkened center stage.)_

SHANA: It's not her! She has nothing to do with it, I'm the one you want. It's me!

_(The lights come up, and she rises from the floor on a billowing black platform blending into her dress.)_

_(Sweetums and the Frackles let Annie Sue go, running away.)_

IT'S ME!

"So if you care to find me, look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately, 'Everyone deserves the chance to fly!'

And if I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free,

To those who ground me, take a message back from me:

Tell them how I am defying gravity, I'm flying high defying gravity!

And soon I'll match them in renown…"

_(She points the broom out into the air watching everyone below as she sings.)_

And nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was,

Is ever gonna bring…me down!"

ANNIE SUE:

"I hope you're happy!"

_(An army of Muppets, varying from all Henson programs, swarm the stage.)_

ALL:

"Look at her, she's wicked! Get her!"

SHANA: ALL:

"Bring me down!" "No one mourns the wicked, so we've

Got to bring her…"

"AAAAAAAHHHH! DOWN!

_(Smoke and fog machines, thousands of lights and blasts of wind as everyone strikes the final pose.)_

_(Thunderous applause and whistles and shouts.)_

…

_(Curtain call with continuous applause)_

_(The curtain rises and Uncle Deadly and Fozzie enter with the Mutations in their Spamalot costumes. They bow.)_

_(Rowlf, Walter and the chorus girls enter and bow, then Gonzo and his chickens.)_

_(Slim, Lou, and the Oklahoma cast, Rock of Ages and the Electric Mayhem.)_

_(Finally, Annie Sue and Shana come on to the loudest applause of all. Annie Sue nudges her forward and Shana takes a bow of her own as the rest of the Muppets cheer for her.)_

_(Kermit enters.)_

KERMIT: Well, there you have it folks! Thanks a lot for coming to our tribute show to Broadway. But before we go, let me take a moment to thank our fabulously talented new friend Shana!

_(Everyone cheers.)_

SHANA: Thank you so much Kermit, this has been a dream come true!

_(Scooter comes forward.)_

SCOOTER: It's just getting started, Shana! There's some producers from New York who were in the audience tonight, and they want to meet you!

_(Shana is shocked, then immediately squeals and goes into hysterics.)_

KERMIT: We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

_(Closing credits)_

_(The balcony)_

WALDORF: Can't they ever do a show we like?

STATLER: If they ever pull that off…hellooo, Dolly!

_(They laugh.)_

_(Zoot blows the sax)_


End file.
